Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So many bounce houses so little time
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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