need another drink. this is the easiest way
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hippo gnu deer
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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