Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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