Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
A bitchslap is in order.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
