If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
