Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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