glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
