omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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