last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
