i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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