woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
