Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
