i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize