apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
