thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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