It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
