When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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