Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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