I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
