Got a toothbrush?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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