on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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