Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
