Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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