Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You made out with two different species that night
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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