if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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