Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
