don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
