So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
