Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
