my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
