just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
