I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
