party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
