Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
