i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
