Betty ford says i'm here all night
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
