I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
