I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
