Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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