he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
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