theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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