somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
