Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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