i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
