So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
