there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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