dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
