What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
