Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
