I cannot find my penis.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
