she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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